My Life and Reflection, Part 1

Honestly, this is rather a candid not thought about post! Maybe I should call it a vent session! During the past 3 weeks, more than usual has happened and been circling around in my life, as well as Kaiya's life! I would love to say we have made the adjustments smoothely and are settling into our new life, however, I think that would be an over statement! Here are just a few things happening!

Kaiya, obviously started Kindergarten this year! She has been having a bit of a hard time adjusting to it! At least once or twice a week when I pick her up, she tells me, "Mom, I cried today becuase I missed you." It breaks my heart! However, kindergarten is a must, so I respond that I miss her too! And we talk about what exciting things she did during the day! Then, there is the adjustment to a new schedule of fun things she wants to be part of, but we use to do during the day and now have to do in the evening! It is hard growing up!

I started a new job! Yeah! I feel so pitiful saying I am having a hard time adjusting because it is only part time. There are so many parents out there who don't get to be home for the first 5 years of their kids lives, and I did! I teach preschool for 3 hours a day four days a week! Never in a million years did I ever think I would be teaching preschool! However, after 2 years of searching for a elementary position (preferably upper grades), I took what was offered to me! Preschool has been a BIG CHALLENGE for me! My personality is just fitted to upper level elementary school, so I am having to attempt to be more toddler friendly! Daily I feel like I am just surviving!

Along with the new job are things happening, that I have no control over the timing, or how it all turns out! Which is frustrating. I learned just how little control I have a week and a half ago.

In all of this change, challenges, and stress . . . my home isn't being kept the way I like it to be, I come home spend time with Kaiya. After she has gone to bed, find myself sitting staring at everything around me, and thinking about everything that is happening in my life! I feel trapped, I feel out of control, I feel like I have no freedoms of my own, and I feel like I am just trying to catch up enough to survive the next day! When really I am not even catching up, I am just muddling thru on the bare minimum, while what really needed to be done each day sit staring at me, and piling up more!!

I am NOT thriving. I am NOT in control. I feel trapped. I am NOT myself. I am NOT happy with my effort! I am NOT happy with how it is effecting me!