My Life and Reflection, Part 2

With everything that has been going on, I had a good friend make the following two statements to me last week.

1 - "When you aren't in control, it effects you, and everyone around you."
2 - "Your true colors showed."

There were a few other statements made, but these two effected me simply because the others made, I can't change on my own, and they are past! However, these two really struck me in the heart!

Until last week, I truly believed that anyone who was a friend of mine, would always feel that they had a friend who truly cared for them. In my life, I truly do seek to please others! While at times it is my greatest attribute, at other times, it can be my biggest down fall because I spend so much of my time worried about pleasing others that I forget to take care of myself and my needs! On top of that, it hurt because there was no explaination of what true colors were showing, no clarification of what was meant exactly. My heart has sunk to the bottom of my stomach, and I have spent the week and a half since then critiquing myself brutually about every action, word, look, thought, and other choice that could be taken as something contrary to who I want to be, and who I want people to think of me as!

How do you correct something with someone, when you don't know exactly what happened to have them completely change their view of you? How do you correct something when they won't even speak to you, to allow you the chance to correct and repair the damage?

The next part of being a people pleaser and caring so much about others, is I have an extreme fear of people thinking poorly of me, or having hurt feelings because of me! If someone is upset with me, and I am aware of it, I go into hyper-overdrive to correct and repair it! I hate tension, I hate it!! When I feel bad, I go out of my way to try to contact the person I have offended and fix it.

Now, I am sitting here struggling with the loss of a friend, and the loss of my tried and true sense of self as a friend. With the realization of all this, I have concluded that often times, I allow personal relationships to suffer when I need to accomplish tasks! I get so oriented on accomplishing tasks, getting them done and out of the way, that I can overlook more important moments, that really wouldn't hurt me at all!

During this time, I have really thought about who it is I want to be, and I have concluded it is the same as I have always wanted to be, and with so much else has gotten lost in all the stress, changes, and commotion around me now. I have had to reground myself, and so with time, I hope I can reprove myself to my friends as being exactly who they always thought I was.

44 he must needs have charity; for if he have not charity he is nothing; wherefore he must needs have charity.
45 And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
46 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—
47 But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.
48 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love . . .