Reaching Out

I don't even know how to start talking about this. There is so much that I want to say! So much that I think and feel. However, I feel like no matter what I don't want to add more hurt, I just want to add love and truth. So, with a fear of not being able to express the tender feelings of my heart, I am going to try to be true to my heart.

During the last several years, there have been many days spent thinking about one particular thing. And each day, the thoughts are always about how to bring an amends to the problem. I know that I think about it relatively little in comparison to others(my parents and brother). However, it is a deep, saddening, hurting pain that never leaves and is only covered up by the hopes that one day things will be fixed.

I have spent months worth of time trying to figure out the things that I did in particular that helped create the problem. Things I may have said, things I should have said, things I did do, things I could have done all to prevent the choice that is now causing pain to so many. And in all that I think about, there is two people I hurt for more than others. One of them is my mom, and the other is someone missing out on a lot of our lives and us in theirs.


I dwell heavily on the last time I spent time with this beloved family member. It was my wedding day! I try to remember every little thing I said, did, or anything else that may have added to reasons for decisions. All in all, I wish that more understanding for the depths of the love that is there for our family member was understood.

Just on a personal note (incase you read this)I want to say, I am sorry! I am sorry for anything I did that caused hurt and pain. I miss you, I love you! I only ever wanted to be an example to you, and to love you for you! My favorite moment was attending your baptism and hearing from others how you looked up to me. I tried to live my imperfect life the best I could to be an example to you from that day on! I should have tried less to be an example and more to just love! My heart aches to talk to you, laugh with you. I wish you could see my adorable little girl who I think you would love. She is missing out so much not having you in her life. I am sorry for any part I played in all this. You were always and are always wanted and missed! I love you!!

I truly do not know what else to say! Just that there is an aching void in our lives, one that never leaves, and one that may never be filled. I don't even know if I will post this! I just wish I could know how to fix it, how to bring about a mending of hearts and family. I guess until then, I will hope for forgiveness, I will hold on to treasured memories like overnight to my apt. at BYU for homecoming parades, college graduations, laffy taffy jokes in the car, playing school and granddad always being the "bad kid." I just miss you, we miss you! We want you in our lives.